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Receiving Takes Trust

Updated: Feb 5

My fists clenched up. I pounded them on the chair’s arms and then worried I would damage it, so I banged my clenched fists on my thighs.


“I’m really pissed,” I shouted. When I heard my voice echo, my eyes went big.


“Don’t worry. My husband’s not home” Carolyn waved her hand. “Let it rip.”


“I am so pissed that I’m going to all these people I went to school with for help. They’re all super successful and stupid rich and I am BROKE! When the hell am I gonna stop being broke?!” I yelled.


Carolyn nodded.


“I mean seriously, when is something good going to happen?!” I pounded my fists on my thighs again.


“Stand up.” Carolyn stood.


I pushed myself out of the chair and stood.


“Notice your fists.”


I looked down. My fingernails dug into the soft flesh of my palms.


“Now hold your fists out in front of you.”


I raised my arms and put my fists out in front of me, curled fingers up.


“Now imagine I’m going to give you something.”


She placed her open hands above my fists, looked me in my eyes, and asked, “How will you ever receive it?”


 

In 2015, seven years after losing my job and home in the 2008 financial crash, I was still broke.


In this excerpt from my memoir in progress, Pre-existing Conditions, I'm sitting in my somatic therapist's office (which I could only do because my father paid for my therapy) when I finally lose my shit.


I'd been dumped by someone who I thought was "the one." That breakup triggered a herniated disc in my back which prevented me from walking without severe pain for eight months.


I was living in a mold infested (unbeknownst to me at the time) mobile home, my best friend was dying, and while the genius dating game I'd created had been optioned for a production deal, the networks rejected it.


I was angry and afraid.


I looked at the people around me — friends who helped me promote and pitch my dating game and wondered what was wrong with me? Why couldn't I be like them? Why was I failure? And would I always be a failure?


What if I stayed broke forever? What if I could never get out of that shitty mobile home?


The fear of being a failure and the fear of being broke had me so paralyzed that I vibrated nothing but fear.


I didn't know it then, but the frequencies we vibrate are the frequencies we attract. So, when I vibrate fear and negativity, I attract fear and negativity. Conversely, when I vibrate joy and positivity, I attract more good things.


Unclenching our fists and opening ourselves to receive takes trust. And trusting takes practice and courage.


And as a culture, we suck at receiving. We're conditioned to give and make other people happy, to not expect anything in return, and be "selfless."


But that's ridiculous. We all deserve to feel safe, receive love, and experience peace.


So, today, please take some time to notice sensations in your body. Are you clenching up? Making fists? If so, when? And how can you practice trusting? Even if it's just a little bit.



woman's hand clenched in a fist
Photo by Darina Belonogova: https://www.pexels.com/photo/clenched-fist-in-black-and-white-7886404/

4 Comments


I had an experience many years ago at the beginning of my professional career where I went to my boss and made a well-thought-out case for receiving a 25% raise. I made a strong case and she not only was impressed, but she said yes! She agreed the raise was overdue. I thanked her and she said she would work out the details and timing with Human Resources.


My ask was rooted in a prosperity program I was studying. I had geared myself up, opened to the abundance of the Universe, and felt the power of my intention through my whole body as I walked in her door. I could not fail!


As I walked out her door, and my…


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WOW. That is profound. I'm now thinking about how I recently went into a situation with confidence and did not envision or hold space for the long game. Oof! I'll be thinking about your story for a long time. Thank you. ❤️

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My husband used to tell me that I was really bad at receiving. He shared information about a church he used to belong to that did a used clothing drive every year. They had a rule that if you donated items you also had to take at least one item, preferably wear it, to help learn to receive.

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Oh, I love that church rule! What a wonderful way to practice receiving. ❤️ My friends and I trade sessions sometimes - like I'll give someone an AmpCoil session and they'll give me some energy healing. Or if a friend needs an AmpCoil session but can't afford my rate, they'll send me $5, that way each of us receives something. That way, there's balance and we're practicing receiving.

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