Diane arrived with a folding massage table. We moved the coffee table up against the couch and cleared just enough room in my studio for Diane to be able to walk around the table.
“What are your intentions for this session?” Diane asked.
“Well, I have Chronic Lyme Disease and I’ve been exposed to mold, so I would love to see what you can clear and heal.”
When I lay down and closed my eyes, she held her hands about three inches above my torso.
“There’s a lot of stuck energy in your torso and I sense dampness in your lungs.”
That was true. Whenever I lay down, I still felt a shallow pool of sludge in my lungs.
“I see you in a past life, locked in a basement with stone walls. There’s some sort of water way, like a spring down there…”
Past lives? I was not expecting past lives.
“Can you see it?” Diane asked.
“Are you asking me?” I opened my eyes and stared up at her.
“Yes. Can you see the basement?” She stared down at me with giant eyes.
“No. Am I supposed to see it?”
“Yes. Just close your eyes and concentrate. You’ll get there.”
I closed my eyes and concentrated. I didn’t see anything but black.
“There’s a man!” she shouted.
I jerked in surprise.
“He’s coming down a long wooden staircase. You’re chained up. I think this is why you have so many urinary infections.” I could feel her hands hover over my pelvis.
I did not see a man or a basement, but I did think it was super strange that she knew I had a lot of urinary infections.
“I’m going to infuse that area with healing energy.”
When she stopped talking, I tried to relax, but my body felt like a rubber band about to snap.
“He kidnapped you. Can you see him?” she asked with fervor.
“You can see him. I know you can!”
I felt like I was standing at the blackboard in fourth grade and didn’t know how to do the math problem while my teacher towered over me.
“I see him!” I said even though I didn’t see anything.
She gasped and said, “He’s throwing you in a wagon!”
Throwing me in a wagon? What was this woman talking about? I couldn’t believe I was going to have pay for this.
“Do you see him?” She shouted like a preacher at a religious tent revival.
“Yes, he’s got a long white beard!” I exclaimed. I mean, why the fuck not?
“Yes! That’s your captor! Let’s clear every memory of him from every cell of your body.” She called to the heavens.
For the next 40 minutes, I played along, and prayed it would be over soon. After Diane packed up her table and I paid her $75 to stress me out, I got into an Epsom salt bath hoping to cleanse the whole experience.
While I was open to the idea of past lives and spiritual unknowns and had had some amazing experiences with woo woo healers before, feeling like I had to be able to see my bearded captor and the dungeon where I’d been held captive was too much pressure.
Revival style past life reiki was definitely not for me.
What woo is too woo for you?
The story about is an excerpt from my memoir in progress, Preexisting Conditions, which details my journey healing Chronic Lyme Disease, during which I tried reiki, energy healing, cord pulling, soul retrieval, EFT Tapping, Somatic Therapy, breathwork meditation, acupuncture, cupping, AmpCoil, and more. Some of them helped, others didn't. The key was continuing to try every woo woo healing modality I heard of until I felt great.
So I did.